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It’s 6am I just finished my Fajr prayer and I can’t stop thinking of how lucky I am to be cursed. I’ve always asked myself why so many friends but none close, why do I have the need to go out by myself, why am I social but absolutely despise it. Happiness is something I’ll always chase and that’s why I’ll die happy one day. Just thought about a girl I like and I don’t think I do no more, because my journey to happiness won’t cross her path, I never found happiness in people, I’m lucky because I believe that’s the way, I’m although cursed because I won’t find the little sparks of happiness in people that shows me the way. I’m cursed to be this lucky.

It’s 9pm. I’m financially stable, I have a religion that keeps thinking about tomorrow, I live in structure, I go to the gym where I’m 100% not acknowledged, I desire power within myself, I figured it out and I will die sooner. Your problems are not serious and your life is basic, nobody cares about how you feel, you’re an animal on earth that is aware of it’s existence, don’t be a dickhead to people and count your days, there’s nothing more than what’s in front of you, deal, cope and die, that’s the way in a nihilistic religious sense.

My car broke down a couple nights ago in a remote area, I called for help but it took my friends hours to arrive, I laid upon my car and felt such a frightening feeling that rushed to my fingertips as I gazed at the sky, and I asked myself “what if I died right now?” “have I done right?” “do I matter?”. I struggled with self worth growing up duo to taking up individual sports, It fed my ego like no other, thinking about how the kids happiness and hard training lays within my reach, the feeling of out performing them was how I viewed myself. Out running every kid in my class was the reason why I had the best sleep in 1st grade, I spent the rest of my next years seeking approval, I viewed myself from people’s peepholes, I spent years with no self worth. I think a lot about how as a Muslim I’m the same as every fellow Muslim and I can’t accept it, I think about all I’ve gone through and experienced, the things I did and everything I saw but I simply ask myself “I surely worth more” ironically. I know people go through worse but I lost empathy and I feel selfish, I want to feel good but it seems like a mirage. I just came back from the mosque, I saw the happiness, sadness, grief and celebration, I saw people, I saw self worth within them, or frankly none, we were humans out of all races and journeys seeking help and guidance from above, I felt my worth or simply I understood my being. Praise Allah

عن النعمان بن بشير رضي الله عنه قال: قال رسول الله صل الله عليه وسلم: (مثل المؤمنين في توادهم وتراحمهم وتعاطفهم كمثل الجسد الواحد؛ إذا اشتكى منه عضو تداعى له سائر الجسد بالسّهر والحمّىّ) [صحيح مسلم]